Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. tl;dr - ~2 years after discovering affair of long-term partner, life is pretty good. Commit yourself to enjoy life and move on without fear. He is now married to the woman he left me for, after 30 years together. My situation is without the financial issues now. He didnt ask for forgiveness, nor can I find it in my heart to forgive him the hurt and emptiness is too deep. I never should have married the guy in the first place, but divorcing him was just horrible. Its like I never existed in her world. The final dagger was my grandparents will 23 years ago (which I had forgotten, never thinking anything like this would happen) giving me 20 acres of land in Indiana, inheritance is not included in divorce settlement. The judgement by others(including family) has been searing. My divorce happened suddenly and unexpectedly (to me) 12 years ago after 26 years of marriage. Ive been to so many different therapist I cant count on two hands The first one was a marriage counselor since then its been all different kinds psychiatrist psychologist its just comes down that I love her and I want to wait on her but the pain going through this is almost unbearable I dont trust any other woman ever again but its extremely lonely I dont get to see my kids very much at all I have grandchildren I dont see them a lot some, Part of the reason is my children are grown so I understand that theyre trying to take care of their own family two of them are married the other one is a teenager but every time I see them I just want my family back to normal I just dont wanna live like this much pain the rest of my life I feel like Im a man without a country. Its so tremendously hard to share these with the people (ex-husb and woman from affair now married, plus their families) that stood by and made my life absolutely miserable for a few years. The unearthing of secrets when, like a woman possessed, I became Miss Marple, Agatha Christie would have approved. I think my circumstances are different than the norm because my ex-wife didnt leave because something was wrong with us. Thanks for recognizing that. Coparenting is tough. We were together about 12 yrs all together, until I was 30. I am in a much better place than I was 10 year ago but lately I have been profoundly sad but I now understand that the grief never really leaves us, it sits on our shoulder as a reminder of what could have been. But, I was wrong. You just have to do the work and know some days you will still feel sadness. Effects of Divorce on Children: 6 to 11 Years Old. If you were meant to be with him you would be. Being the left behind spouse I struggle a great deal. Peace to you all. Ive been divorced many, many years, but it still hurts sometimes. We all grieve differently. Divorce may leave school-age kids between the ages of 6 and 11 struggling with feelings of abandonment. That morning somehow felt like a pivotal moment in my life. While I respect and have empathy for the commentors (and wriiter) who have found another partner and know that this does not eradicate their pain I cannot help but wonder why not me? The relationship- no kids thank God was very sticky I was 21 when we met, he was 36. Some changed for the better, some are still works in progress. I used to pray (if you can consider chain smoking outside your apt. The accusations are almost laughable. 7 Cures to Move on From the Lingering Loneliness After Divorce These are the steps I took to provide an escape hatch from the intensity of the loneliness that I felt. I was married for 29 years and so I am almost there. It was so good to read something I have been feeling for over 15 years. 21. I tried dating at first to replace her and I could not I love her to much . it has been 5 years she is with no one and I am not eather . He blamed me and said he had been unhappy for years. You may have stayed in an unsatisfactory relationship for a long time because you were afraid of dealing with the changes that splitting up forces upon you. If she's been married 10 years, I've been separated/divorced for 10 years. He and the new wife (yes I still call her that) have been married the same amount of time we were. He frankly pales in comparison but after all the lonely years and horrible men, I'm so grateful to have him. Don't give up on yourself or your life for a mistake you think you made 10 years ago. I have adult children and yes, they have their own lives. I received a summons to have my alimony modified. Well what I get out of it is I love her and hope and pray to the Lord that I get another opportunity with her since neither one of us are seeing or dating anyone after five years, And the reason why I dont trust other women is the result I got out of dating women the first two years trying to replace her which I could not I thought about her the entire time .The reason why I trust her is I created this mess and caused her to leave I was not the man I shouldve been . After a happy 28-year marriage, we're getting a divorce. Not everyone makes it to acceptance. I love how it allows us to feel and to be ok with the idea that we are sad despite our happiness. Couple years later, I still float back into hope and denial stages. Its been nearly 3 years (which I suppose is not that long really, but it feels like a long time to be so sad) and I cry every day, in private, so hard sometimes that Im not sure I will be able to stop. Best artical I have read on divorce. It hurts and brings confusion to the children. Whether you're 32 years old or just 2, whether you're one-half of the once happily . 20. We seek out love relationships so that we can feel love. God bless you! I have my kids back in my life. 'We were still in love when our marriage ended' I got divorced because of a communication breakdown (that oversimplifies it, really) but I regret it because we were probably still in love when. I come back to these comments, to give me comfort in knowing that others still mourn the loss of what was and what could have been. I do not want to feel this pain ever again. I feel bad for my children always going in 2 directions and not having the support It's OK to cry, it's OK to be sad and to talk about it and to ask for a hug. It matters. When people live together as a husband and wife, they love each other and treasure each moment that they spend. I have no support. I still find myself falling into a funk in November and December, and then it takes all of January to get my feet back under me. Thank you, Ms. Wolf, for expressing what I have been feeling. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. You may have realized this after ten years; there is no need to worry, accept and take the challenge and be assured that in a short while, and pain will be past tense. Add in a young child, and the other spouse refusing to work on things, rather, cut bait and get out immediately with no reason. Its like I never existed, shared so many things together. Worrying That Your Husband Isn't Really Sorry About The Affair Is A Common Reason For Being Stuck: As I said, I often see common themes or issues in wives who haven't been able to move on. TMZ reported that both Sidora and Pittman have filed for divorce after almost 10 years of marriage. When we married I thought the deal was made for life. Sad. Heres the thing, what hurts the most for me right now is still not having found another love. "name": "Can you be completely happy after divorce? I see my future as being alone for the rest of my life, Im too exhausted and too busy careing for OUR severely disabled daughter. I was married for 42 years when suddenly, without warning, a knock at the door, and a sheriff with divorce papers. Come discover on this free, award-winning website the two secrets 250,000 parents have used to save their money, make their own decisions, and create their better futures. Im deeply sad about the while situation and got the whole just get over it speech from my therapist this afternoon. You arent able to find joy in your life as it is. After a breakup, I like most people, feel like a shell of a woman, with no hope for a better future. Mine left me after 40 years, for a woman 25 years younger. You would not be providing a broken home to a child, youd be providing love and stability and a father. My son sees a sadness every so often in me. Why are you holding onto it? now we have three children together and 4 grandchildren together. "acceptedAnswer": { So much collateral damage. It's important to set some achievable goals. Village historic. Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. Median duration of first marriages that end in divorce: Males: 7.8 years Females: 7.9 years. Thank you again for sharing your stories. Acceptance is the final stage of loss. My ex gave up her life,family and friends in another country to marry me 30 years ago. I wanted to keep my family together but could not. The dust never settles is an apt idiom for those of us who carry an unexplainable sadness deep down even though they have moved on. The community of comments was especially helpful in affirming that I am not unusual and that this is the reality of the human experience. Valerie and Jennifer hit it right on. people say you should be over and done by now . I will give my daughter away to her man at the alter with trepidation and, as has been said, I will smile whilst enduring the pain of a family event without the man with whom I created her. Couple years later, I still float back into hope and denial stages. I didnt even know he was unhappy, he wrote me a love song a few weeks before he left; confusion. If left for another person, the pain is unbearable at times. The family I thought I had was broken by the man I gave my life to in marriage, nothing is ever the same again. And regardless of its source, shouldnt we be allowed to acknowledge it when it returns, free to express our feelings openly? crying spells. I live in another state. I truly struggle for what was and more for the family and and life I once knew. Im mostly happy, but the corners stay sad. Time is supposed to heal us and all our wounds. but is still just a imitation of what are family should and would be. Youre allowing your pain to keep you from enjoying your children and grandchildren. Divorce at this point takes the order of the day. Also learn to put your positive energy in a different atmosphere, visit childrens homes, share their joys and hurts and encourage them that there is hope after a painful living. A divorce hangover is an ongoing connection with your ex-spouse or former life that keeps you agitated or depressed, unhappy, and stuck in the past. Today would have been our 48th wedding anniversary. Thanks agai, appreciate what youve written. Divorce was 5 years ago. Therefore, it is essential to keep a distance and think positive about yourself. I am not sure of what to do. The sadness and hurt came subtly and hovered over me. "I think we are done", he says. New hopes, dreams, and opportunities arent going to come to you if you arent emotionally free and receptive. Still sometimes sad about not having the life I expected. There is nothing wrong with you other than youve not accepted where you are now and let go of the hopes and plans you had when married. Give yourself that time to focus on what will make YOU happy. I know that I am getting better, I dont think about him near as much but then one thing can make me spiral right back to years before and the process starts again. Emotional Symptoms of Divorce. "name": "Does divorce hurt even after years? And then the pandemic hit. The fact that she decided to blow me off and easily moved on to a wonderful life (without me) hurts a great deal. For people who already live with depression . He aluded to not being happy This is not the life I wanted etc. Its now 10 years since my husband walked out after 29 years of marriage, and having had an affair with his now partner for eight months before he did so. I trust in God to get me through until the end. Did I handle things negatively, sure did. Grand children . In my 60s, I have nothing to look forward to, just existing each day. I am not ready for such a step, nor do I believe I ever will be. My reservations with acting on adopting is that I would be exposing a child to a broken home. I somewhat relate to you (except that my 2 adult kids do see reality and stand by my side, and at the same time love their dad, which is better for their own well being). At these events, we were supposed to be celebrating together as a couple, as a family, as one. People can continue hurting because of the communications they still have after dissolving the marriage. All in all, I am at a standstill. You are welcome to reach out to me at, [emailprotected] Bless you! I am fairly young (late-30s), and I still feel that I want children. My goals and dreams have suffered. During and after your divorce, you may experience anger directed in a variety of ways depending on the situation that ultimately led to the . I love my daughter dearly and wouldnt want it any other way. I never realized you could love to much. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. Three kids and 15 years later we divorced. ", I try to limit my public outbursts, but sometimes that's when the sad comes. the pain is there every day . When one of my kids remarked that he thought there was a profound sadness in me, I was taken aback. Ray J and Princess Love are giving their marriage another shot. Thank goodness our children are grown and have started families of their own, so no coparenting or custody to deal with. I found those comments an insult to the (what I thought) was a good marriage of course we had our ups and downs and a loving partnership. But the pain of all of it never really went away. I didn't know if I'd ever allow myself to fall in love again after my marriage ended but here I was. I love being reminded that we can carry both happy and sad. house, kids, American Dream. Yes, I am male. This so much speaks to me . And I miss hugs and kisses. It is best if the communication was limited on business issues only, for example, if the ex-spouse has a role to play in bringing up the children, then allow the communication to be focused solely on the child support. Kay I join you in getting a F grade in moving on. How shes by herself, struggling financially and emotionally . Many men divorce and move on in just a few months, while others take years to go . It truly helps to know Im not alone in this. I have done nothing but cried and act emotionally out of control since I received the summons out of nowhere. I hurt for my children and having to share new memories with her and that part makes me sad. I also have no contact. We are expected to be resilient after a major loss or major life event such as divorce. Thank you for this article. Why was I the one invited to the party but not given a piece of cake (again?). I thought it would finally bring an end to feeling trapped, unhappy and hopeless. Poor Academic Performance I am deeply saddened reading the pain others feel and the hurt by being on the receiving end of divorce. One of the most critical elements to healing is to spend time with people who will cheer you up, show you about positive things outside your broken marriage and work towards your healing. Thank you for this. For me, the pain will never go away. Now I do not trust myself for having been so wrong. Most Famous Female Pop Artists of the 70s, The History of the Basketball The Actual Ball, Guide to the Absolutely Strangest Things on Earth, Strange and Unusual Ceremonies and Traditions Around the World. My marriage lasted 21 years, I was with her for 23 years. But the pain never goes away . Sorry, but I needed to share. Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. The next time a friend tells you she is getting a divorce Know that even if says she is okay, underneath her smile, your friend is drowning in loss, your friend needs your help. I thought I was the only person who had these feelings as other people seem to move on so quickly. Why isnt that enough? Know how you feel, Sheila, & there is no easy way through the pain. Helen, you need the help of a good therapist or divorce coach. Dating the same man again. She is very busy socially and at work. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. "text": "Moving on after divorce is hard when all you do is live the past instead of the present. We grew up together, worked in various cities, had good friends, loved each other's familys and then I just left him. I had spent so many years waiting for the affair again shoe to drop but realized, it was not a concern anymore, the cheater was out of my life. I was told many times by her and our therapist that I was too attached, I loved her to much. The more you feed your mind with positive thoughts, the more you can overcome. I am not happy but it still gives me joy to see my kids and grandkids and makes me smile. Feeling lost after a divorce is natural and common. At every appointment, they can hold both parties to a standard of respect and non-judgment. Will this date ever come without me noticing? I have not been able to get over my pre-divorce delusion that our marriage was solid, and that he loved me deeply. "text": "Its possible for your divorce to haunt you even after years as you struggle emotionally over how your marriage ended, how easily your spouse moved on, and how hard it is to negotiate the ebbs and flows of life." Dont allow bitterness to rule I know it isnt easy, but we have no choice but to accept what has happened & deal with it. Your piece really spoke to me. Now, as I hear my son tell me how her second marriage is deteriorating memories that I buried through hard work refresh themselves as if they are new. You might feel disconnected or sad, even if you wanted the relationship to end. He sat in our porch the week before he left, sobbing. Not seen your child daily, especially when child is still very young, is excruciating. I am coming to terms with that but its hard. At the 10-year mark, 90% of the women and 70% of the men still felt that the divorce was the right decision. Because she is grieving a death A death she may have chosen A death he may have chosen But it is a death, nonetheless. If left for another person, the pain is unbearable at times. The average first marriage that ends in divorce lasts about 8 years. Sadness and happiness can coexist,but its not easy,not at all. The thought of having to spend the little money I have to defend myself against a frivolous lawsuit is killing me. No tool and not even with time repairs. If we don't bounce back, that means the healing is. We didnt have children but were together almost 20 years, and Ive been separated almost 8 years. And the recent weddings for two of our sons? One very common one is feeling like your husband just isn't remorseful or sorry enough for the affair. This is an excellent explaination of how divorce has affected me. However, in as much as the pain is there, its good to mourn but this should not take forever, one should get to know the way out and know how to get out of it, then move on. D. A. has written for print magazines and newspapers, and she is a regular contributor to Huffington Post Divorce, The Good Men Project, Read MoreFind me on Twitter. He was my one and only love and there will not be another, whilst he has remarried a girl in SE Asia who is only 25 years old. Better if you acknowledge the pain and express it openly instead of trying to deny it as if it doesnt exist at all. This article really resonates with me. I was too immature to realize that the man he was and our relationship was the hottest thing ever. I have a great relationship now and am engaged. Keeping the bed. Studio Firma/Stocksy United. Symptoms of divorce-related depression can include any, or a combination of, the following: Sudden loss of interest in things you once enjoyed Loss of appetite Increase in appetite Weight loss or gain Difficulty sleeping Excessive irritability Rage Sudden insomnia Increased fatigue Difficulty focusing or concentrating Difficulty making decisions I feel I was used long enough to help her get her Masters degree and pay bills then I was no longer needed. Thank you for putting in words what so many people feel. Believe me, I've gotten my share of wide eyes of surprise when I say that I'm not interested in dating. Toughing it out. Marriages are meant to be enjoyed, not endured. As parents of a "broken home," my ex and I know in our hearts that we did as best as we could for as long as we could, but in the end, it didn't work. This will ensure that during the day, you are fully engaged at work and in the evening, you are in class. 8 years after my divorce, I am right there. As I feel like I should be over it 6 years on but Im not. Takeaway. But, in doing so I destroyed all respect for my Ex. You dont need to be friends with her but, you need to develop new friends and start enjoying your life. I have been thinking about just adopting and doing the single father thing. Thank you for putting your experience to paper which identifies the common pain we shareand doing it so perfectly. I have had a similar situation. Make a bucket list of places and things you want to do and see. but I met her when I was 20 and she was 17 . Dead dreams live inside me. I am actually the one who left my husband. Friends dont understand, and my only comfort is my faith in God and lots and lots of prayer. After a divorce, you're going to cycle through a spectrum of emotions and more than just sadness or jubilation. Its a terrible gnawing that can be pushed to the far back but doesnt seem to go away. Children from divorced families may experience more externalizing problems, such as conduct disorders, delinquency, and impulsive behavior than kids from two-parent families. In the dream, I'm still married to my ex-husband; we are fighting and he's getting ready to move out. 22. Oh, theres likely nothing so special about my story except perhaps how long it raged. She took the house, my business, my kids my heart and happiness. 0. Clinging to the word of God is what is helping me go through all the pain and hurt. Call 707-326-5566 to schedule an initial consultation with Santa Rosa Psychotherapist Ben Schwarcz I am so sickened by the whole thing, and so, so sad. We are none of us any one thing. Her mom has never recovered, neither have my daughter or myself for that matter. It hasnt been that long. Your ex will find his happy life isnt all he thought it would be.mine surely didnt, but hes stuck with it now. Recognize this for what it is: A personal full-blown pity party. fatigue. I wish everyone here the peace and happiness you deserve, and if the pain is still there, so be it ignore the platitudes (time is a healer. Its been more than a dozen years, but the fact of my divorce, the speed with which the marriage unraveled, the ease with which my spouse moved on, the tumultuous aftermath that dragged on for a decade, the onslaught of related losses All of it still hurts. But I really related to the authors comments about how many family traditions especially holiday celebrations have been irrevocably impacted. I lost a 4 generations family farm, but more than that, I lost an entire life of working toward a financially secure retirement, raising 2 children together, and being so close to her family. Thanks to your article, I know this is a normal response of the heart. I do hope this improves with time. And my son died 7 1/2 years ago at 19, more dead dreams. He also says, Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Romans 12:19. I WAS MARRIED 30 YEARS When she left . Which means that by cutting her out, I cut them out, which leaves me alone. what gets me thru life is God and my kids and grandkids . Online community for divorced moms and single mothers, advice on Relationships, Health, Beauty, Sex, Parenting, Finances, Divorce Blogs, Resource Articles and more. Being the spouse left behind hurts tremendously. We all grieve differently. What makes a luxury lake home design special, Learn About the Very Wild and Interesting Psychedelic Era. I want to heal, move in, live with joy and pursue my dreams! That awful truth of divorce brings depression, devastation and a feeling of despair that we have never experienced and is hard to explain. Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. Mistake #1: Feeling Like a Failure Ali, 40, and Justin, 40, announced their uncoupling in April 2022, but ahead of her new Netflix/A24 comedy series Beef and her upcoming summer tour, Ali told The Hollywood Reporter that she and . It sort of put me in a bad spot, because I have no family of my own, so her family was my family. He is picking up on some aura, some mood, some indefatigable something that I am still carrying around, or that returns on certain familial occasions. I will never finally get over it I suppose. That alone really destroys me when I think about it but I have to be strong for my little granddaughter who I have not met yet but one day I hope to. }. Obviously the grass is greener wasnt that green. Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. 10 years is more than enough my dear. But growing up an orphan and homeless, I have always wanted to create a nuclear family. My father died two weeks before she left . Younger childrenspecifically 5- to 8 . As Cheryl Lawrence says above, I live with dead dreams. "@type": "Question", It is just there. You may consider it phantom pain, but its pain nonetheless. This is the best article I have read on this topic. Somehow, I have ended up the bad-guy. Good luck to everyone here as well divorce is tough but we are tougher . It makes me hide a little bit of my truth (the sadness) from people. Its possible for your divorce to haunt you even after years as you struggle emotionally over how your marriage ended, how easily your spouse moved on, and how hard it is to negotiate the ebbs and flows of life. Copy and paste it, adding a note of your own, into your blog, a Web page, forums, a blog comment, joanne. I guess Im the oldest divorcee here meaning my divorce was in 2003. As for my children, I hope I have been a model of resourcefulness and curiosity, of determination and positivism. A divorce can be painful for both people - start new . This also resonates with me. You may continue hurting 10 years later because of being fed with negative information of your ex-wife thereby holding you from getting over your past hurts. I would have gone to any length to keep my family together.
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still sad 10 years after divorce